loss.is.it

Being literally at the other end of the world and it all still feels the same.

Night prayer

I want to describe those undescribable moments. Those glimpses and split-seconds that bear more meaning than a thousand deliberately meaningful words will ever be able to. Modest words portraying modest scenes that get one‘s heart and soul deepest core vibrate. (Work, work, work might every now and then eventually get me to this)

My loneliness shines, my heart says so brightly.

Malcolm Middleton - Loneliness Shines

“If you’re writing because you want to be loved, you’re writing for the wrong reasons,” he said. “The only thing that is supposed to matter is that you write because you love it.”

I loved you because I said so.

We contextualize things by talking about them and applying words to certain things, e.g. feelings. By using a certain word to name a feeling we will think about that feeling within the conceptual framework that adheres to the respective word. Such a  framework can consist of a complex system of expectations, ideas and sentiments that was constructed by us by means of our personal experience, what we heard about it from other people, what was taught us about it and our cultural imprint in general.

Thus, calling a given situation for example “love”, we will start to expect from the respective situation in which that feeling occurs, that it will develop and unfold in one way or the other according to the rules of that system. Consequently, the way our feelings towards the situation will evolve will be in consistency of that system. It’s a program that subconsciously runs and determines how we feel if things end up in a certain way.

Hence, if in our conceptual framework of “love” there’s the rule that rejection makes you sad you are going to be sad if you decided to evaluate the situation according to the rules of the system “love”.  On the other hand, if you decided to call the current situation for example “not so important affair”, it will be probably much easier to deal with rejection.

Of course you will say that you can’t so easily decide if you love someone or not. And probably you are right. But sometimes you might have impulsively started to name a certain feeling “love” even if it was just pure affection, especially after the end of a “love”-affair. Reevaluating that decision by going through what you really thought when things were still good can make life much easier.

I want to come back from this robbery
with my hands up
and I will lie down and be handcuffed
take me I’ll be yours
dripping wet
just try and hold me
I am dripping wet and limp

Mount Eerie - With My Hands Out

2:49 am

Your will may be free to make the choices you want but what you want is not for you to choose.

I don’t know if a said that I loved you because I believed it or if I started to believe it because I said it often enough.

I needed a nurse and a mother

I needed an open-minded whore

I needed a barmaid and a lover

Someone to stand between me and the floor

Arab Strap - Act of War

Holy shit, I just wasted again hours of my life in some stupid club, I could’ve left way earlier, BUT in the first 2 hours or so I came up with a really essential part for my story. I found out how my two main characters are related to each other and what reason they have to meet. That discovery made me insanely excited and happy even though I won’t have time to really start writing in the next few weeks. But at least I got some outline and a bit of the planning done which is supposed to be essential if you are about to write some bigger piece (a novel?)

How strange it is, that you have to stand around in some dark room with loud music (see below), have a couple of drinks and out of the blue you find the answers for things that bother you for weeks and these answers turn out to be so obvious.

Apart from that I had some other fun too.

It’s good to know I got myself. I’m the most important person in my life. That’s another thing I remembered again today which is awfully important. Good night/morning.